January has roared past and through me, I find myself standing on the threshold of February feeling a bit breathless and weary. I was so eager to get started with changing our financial future this month and it creeped past without as many significant changes as I wanted. I'm trying to give myself space to not be perfect, to allow for the significant stressors that are wearing me down and to be ok with true baby steps, even a bit more baby than those laid out by Dave Ramsey!
We did cut back some of our household bills. We did eliminate paying for school lunches for my son and for paying for after school care for him by adjusting our schedules. I do think we spent less on a lot of things, but we didn't keep track of it, we never had a written budget for the month and I still wasn't feeling any traction.
However, we just got to the cash flow planning lesson week before last, and the dumping debt lesson was this past weekend so I now feel re-energized about it. So Dave and I finally had the dreaded first BUDGET MEETING of our married lives (or probably our entire lives!). We were warned there would be some fighting, or at least a spat or two, but I really didn't expect that we really would. I was wrong. Nothing major, but there was some definite wrestling involved.
First we went through what we actually need to pay bills, and what we think we need for the variable categories like groceries. Then, we finally listed and combined all of our debt and the minimum payments for all of that. And we ended up with a number that was significantly higher than what I know we make each month. So we cut here, and there, and there again. And the number came down but was still scary. And I'm scratching my head trying to figure out how we pull it off month after month because, at the moment anyway, we are not behind on anything. Grace of God must have something to do with it. Both of us have variable incomes, and in both cases they are VERY variable. The number we need to just live and pay the minimums is doable some months but not realistic as an average. So, long story short, I'm feeling panicked and cornered instead of calmer now that we've done this. Truth is, Dave has carried this primarily on his shoulders ever since we joined forces. I was control central in my prior marriage and in my single life. Dave is the epitome of the provider and the protector, and when I got laid off and moved in with him he gallantly stepped up and took the reins from my all too willing hands. And since then there have been conversations about money, but by and large he has shielded me from the overall picture and I've been quite happy to know that I was being shielded and to enjoy blissful ignorance. He's done a great job of managing a very heavy burden, of keeping it from getting heavier despite us having a wedding, and of still allowing us to be a fun and active family unit. I stand in awe of him at the moment.
But that moment must not stretch on too long. I need to stand by his side. I need to dig deep, find courage, and focus my efforts on my income. We need to sell stuff, we need to pay off some of the smaller debts quickly and start throwing that money at the bigger debts. We need to pray and not lose hope. And we need to find sustenance and peace in simplicity.
I'm so glad that over the weekend we managed to take a quick camping trip and we tackled a moderately sized mountain that we'd never climbed before (Pinnacle Knob, 3141 feet). It was a very intense climb, but there was an amazing pay off. And as I step back from the panic that is lapping at my toes I can close my eyes and remember the trail, and how I thought my heart would burst with the strain of trying to climb it fast, and how at each turn in the trail I thought I was at the top only to find the summit was still another climb away, and how when I did reach the summit I didn't even realize it at first because of the way the trail dipped through a thicket right before the view. Yeah. This will be like that. I know what a tough climb feels like and I know that it's always worth it.
