It's April and it's been hard for me to blog because I haven't got success to report with regard to our budget and I hate acknowledging that publicly. But, I chose to create a public forum for our efforts specifically to make myself accountable, for failures and successes. So I am publicly acknowledging that we have not kept all our balls in the air over the last couple of months, the Dave Ramsey ball definitely hit the floor awhile ago and I think is probably gathering dust in a corner.
We started strong in February but I'd say probably by about 3 weeks into the month we'd both fallen out of our envelopes and not kept good track of things. There just seemed to be so many things that we hadn't thought about that came up and didn't fit into the budget.
We had our honeymoon in March, it was planned months ago (by Dave, I only found out the details a week or so prior) and we did relatively well with our budget there (almost all cash we had saved ahead of time) but because of that trip and because we felt confused about the February budget we decided to start fresh in April.
It's now April 7 and we still haven't had our budget meeting. We kept meaning to over the weekend but it got away from us till we were both tired and cranky and felt like it would be ill advised to start the process in that frame of mind. Now it feels even more overwhelming because we need to account for the first week of stuff already spent.
I'm extremely busy with work but it's not like that is likely to change. And I've got family crisis stuff going on with my mom, not to mention the ongoing demands of our blended household with three kids, two active careers, extracurricular activities and dogs. This isn't the only ball I can't seem to keep in the air. Mealtimes feel like a disaster most times around here (I rarely manage a home cooked meal where we all sit around the table more than twice a month, if that), and there are always needs I feel we didn't anticipate.It doesn't help that we've got two teenagers in the house and one pre-teen who can be very sensitive and both Dave and I often feel gravely concerned about the lack of gratitude we get for the things we do manage to provide and to do for the kids and for the household. We challenge them on it, guide their behavior in a different direction and try and understand that their self absorption is developmentally appropriate and not personal but it is still incredibly draining to not feel appreciated by the kids.
The situation with my mom is dire and pressing and is requiring regular, sometimes last minute trips for me out of state, lots of time on the phone and email with family and 4-8 phone calls a day with my mom herself trying to talk her through her fear and confusion when she has no one else with her. The dementia has progressed dramatically in the last few months. I feel very strongly that it is time to move her to assisted living now. She should not be alone anymore at all. My step dad still works full time and has no plans to retire for another 4 to 5 years. Obviously this is very tough on him too, he is losing his wife of 25 years and I know the thought of moving her out of the house is killing him, not to mention the financial strain of that will be very real. But he cannot care for her in a way that is good for either of them anymore and I'm 6 hours away and can't move up there or move her down here right now. So, please pray for us. I've organized a family conference call this afternoon with him and all the extended family as well as mom's therapist to try and outline a plan for her moving forward that is something other than what is happening now. I am ready to make this happen for her now and it's hard for me sometimes to let go of my authoritative nature and facilitate other people's time lines but that is what I must do, while advocating for mom in as genuine a way as possible.
It goes without saying that all of this has left little time for other pursuits and I am feeling fat, out of shape and disconnected from the outdoors on top of it all. UGhhh.
So, I know what I need to do, and I know that it is up to me to make it happen. I also know that failure in the moment doesn't mean failure forever and that I'm allowed to stumble and get back up. I just did not want to leave this forum empty. I will keep the blog posted, hopefully with some sort of success story soon, no matter how small.
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