The ball(s) that rolled into the corner...

It's April and it's been hard for me to blog because I haven't got success to report with regard to our budget and I hate acknowledging that publicly. But, I chose to create a public forum for our efforts specifically to make myself accountable, for failures and successes.  So I am publicly acknowledging that we have not kept all our balls in the air over the last couple of months, the Dave Ramsey ball definitely hit the floor awhile ago and I think is probably gathering dust in a corner. 

We started strong in February but I'd say probably by about 3 weeks into the month we'd both fallen out of our envelopes and not kept good track of things.  There just seemed to be so many things that we hadn't thought about that came up and didn't fit into the budget. 

We had our honeymoon in March, it was planned  months ago (by Dave, I only found out the details a week or so prior) and we did relatively well with our budget there (almost all cash we had saved ahead of time) but because of that trip and because we felt confused about the February budget we decided to start fresh in April.

It's now April 7 and we still haven't had our budget meeting.  We kept meaning to over the weekend but it got away from us till we were both tired and cranky and felt like it would be ill advised to start the process in that frame of mind.  Now it feels even more overwhelming because we need to account for the first week of stuff already spent.  

I'm extremely busy with work but it's not like that is likely to change. And I've got family crisis stuff going on with my mom, not to mention the ongoing demands of our blended household with three kids, two active careers, extracurricular activities and dogs.  This isn't the only ball I can't seem to keep in the air. Mealtimes feel like a disaster most times around here (I rarely manage a home cooked meal where we all sit around the table more than twice a month, if that), and there are always needs I feel we didn't anticipate.It doesn't help that we've got two teenagers in the house and one pre-teen who can be very sensitive and both Dave and I often feel gravely concerned about the lack of gratitude we get for the things we do manage to provide and to do for the kids and for the household.  We challenge them on it, guide their behavior in a different direction and try and understand that their self absorption is developmentally appropriate and not personal but it is still incredibly draining to not feel appreciated by the kids.

The situation with my mom is dire and pressing and is requiring regular, sometimes last minute trips for me out of state, lots of time on the phone and email with family and 4-8 phone calls a day with my mom herself trying to talk her through her fear and confusion when she has no one else with her. The dementia has progressed dramatically in the last few months.  I feel very strongly that it is time to move her to assisted living now.  She should  not be alone anymore at all.  My step dad still works full time and has no plans to retire for another 4 to 5 years. Obviously this is very tough on him too, he is losing his wife of 25 years and I know the thought of moving her out of the house is killing him, not to mention the financial strain of that will be very real.  But he cannot care for her in a way that is good for either of them anymore and I'm 6 hours away and can't move up there or move her down here right now.  So, please pray for us.  I've organized a family conference call this afternoon with him and all the extended family as well as mom's therapist to try and outline a plan for her moving forward that is something other than what is happening now.  I am ready to make this happen for her now and it's hard for me sometimes to let go of my authoritative nature and facilitate other people's time lines but that is what I must do, while advocating for mom in as genuine a way as possible. 

It goes without saying that all of this has left little time for other pursuits and I am feeling fat, out of shape and disconnected from the outdoors on top of it all.  UGhhh.

So, I know what I need to do, and I know that it is up to me to make it happen. I also know that failure in the moment doesn't mean failure forever and that I'm allowed to stumble and get back up. I just did not want to leave this forum empty.  I will keep the blog posted, hopefully with some sort of success story soon, no matter how small. 

Ground Zero: The budget meeting

January has roared past and through me, I find myself standing on the threshold of February feeling a bit breathless and weary.  I was so eager to get started with changing our financial future this month and it creeped past without as many significant changes as I wanted.  I'm trying to give myself space to not be perfect, to allow for the significant stressors that are wearing me down and to be ok with true baby steps, even a bit more baby than those laid out by Dave Ramsey!

We did cut back some of our household bills.  We did eliminate paying for school lunches for my son and for paying for after school care for him by adjusting our schedules. I do think we spent less on a lot of things, but we didn't keep track of it, we never had a written budget for the month and I still wasn't feeling any traction.

However, we just got to the cash flow planning lesson week before last, and the dumping debt lesson was this past weekend so I now feel re-energized about it.  So Dave and I finally had the dreaded first BUDGET MEETING of our married lives (or probably our entire lives!).  We were warned there would be some fighting, or at least a spat or two, but I really didn't expect that we really would.  I was wrong.  Nothing major, but there was some definite wrestling involved.

First we went through what we actually need to pay bills, and what we think we need for the variable categories like groceries.  Then, we finally listed and combined all of our debt and the minimum payments for all of that. And we ended up with a number that was significantly higher than what I know we make each month.  So we cut here, and there, and there again. And the number came down but was still scary.  And I'm scratching my head trying to figure out how we pull it off month after month because, at the moment anyway, we are not behind on anything.  Grace of God must have something to do with it.  Both of us have variable incomes, and in both cases they are VERY variable.  The number we need to just live and pay the minimums is doable some months but not realistic as an average. So, long story short, I'm feeling panicked and cornered instead of calmer now that we've done this.  Truth is, Dave has carried this primarily on his shoulders ever since we joined forces.  I was control central in my prior marriage and in my single life. Dave is the epitome of the provider and the protector, and when I got laid off and moved in with him he gallantly stepped up and took the reins from my all too willing hands.  And since then there have been conversations about money, but by and large he has shielded me from the overall picture and I've been quite happy to know that I was being shielded and to enjoy blissful ignorance.  He's done a great job of managing a very heavy burden, of keeping it from getting heavier despite us having a wedding, and of still allowing us to be a fun and active family unit.  I stand in awe of him at the moment.

But that moment must not stretch on too long. I need to stand by his side.  I need to dig deep, find courage, and focus my efforts on my income. We need to sell stuff, we need to pay off some of the smaller debts quickly and start throwing that money at the bigger debts. We need to pray and not lose hope.  And we need to find sustenance and peace in simplicity.

I'm so glad that over the weekend we managed to take a quick camping trip and we tackled a moderately sized mountain that we'd never climbed before (Pinnacle Knob, 3141 feet).  It was a very intense climb, but there was an amazing pay off.  And as I step back from the panic that is lapping at my toes I can close my eyes and remember the trail, and how I thought my heart would burst with the strain of trying to climb it fast, and how at each turn in the trail I thought I was at the top only to find the summit was still another climb away, and how when I did reach the summit I didn't even realize it at first because of the way the trail dipped through a thicket right before the view.  Yeah.  This will be like that.  I know what a tough climb feels like and I know that it's always worth it.

Working and Living

Image found here

Happy New Year! I feel so energized about 2011!!! Life is returning to normal after the holiday frenzy.  I have a ton of stuff happening at work (two emergency hearings in two days.... what?) but I feel ready for a busy and productive month. I want to generate more income moving forward.  I know that my attitude really influences my income, either way, up or down. Even working for myself I have found myself spiraling into negative cycles of thought about "having" to do this or that. When you "have" to do something, as opposed to "want" to do something the seeds of resistance gain a little ground.

What if I consciously reject that concept?  What if I embrace the idea of working because I enjoy it? Because it fulfills me? Because I'm blessed to have skills that can drastically impact and assist people with real needs? I do feel all those emotions about my work too, they are no less real than my resentments about "having" to do things.

I've lived in a mindset of "work" being separate from "life" for so long that I can resent work simply because it's not life.  But if I'm pursuing my passion, and I believe I am, and if I'm blessed to have a profession that challenges me and can fulfill me and not just a job, then why are work and life divorced from each other? I think the secret to greater income for me is understanding that my work can be an integrated part of my physical, spiritual and mental life.  The two do not have to be apart.  I'm not suggesting that work/life balance isn't important, but two people on a see saw have a whole lot more fun when they work together than when they are continually trying to jump off and leave the other side flat on the ground.  So here's to living AND working and to empowering myself in all areas of my life with the trust that good things will flow from it!

Poised

Image found here

This week is passing slowly.  All three kids are here all the time and my mom and step-dad are staying with us as well.  I love everyone, yada yada yada.  BUT, the kids are driving me a bit nuts, more so because I know they are driving my mom nuts and that stresses me out.  My mom has early onset dementia of some sort, we're still trying to puzzle out if it is Alzheimer's or something else.  Any change in her routine is difficult, and being here, with three kids bouncing off the walls has her completely frazzled.  I encouraged them to stay at a hotel so that she could get quiet time away from us each day but the idea of that upset her too so we squeezed them into the house and as of last night my mother was making a whole variety of charming comments about how unruly the kids are and, by implication, how terrible we are as parents.  I constantly remind myself that her perceptions are impaired.  Not to mention that she's never been in a house with three active and physical kids before (I was an only child and a quiet bookworm at that).  Yes, they chase each other, yes, they wrestle, yes, they shoot each other with nerf guns and shout and screech and are generally rambunctious at times.  And yes, they are normal kids.  But my mom doesn't get that, and I can't be angry with her about it.  And it just generally sucks to watch her deteriorate and to miss the Mom who isn't there anymore.  My new blended family never knew her before this disease, they never knew my real Mom and that makes me terribly sad. 

I'm taking lots of deep breaths, and abiding. I'm trying to stay focused on the meals and the mess and the logistics of it all one hour or two at a time.  I know the week will come to a close, I'm looking forward to a break on New Year's Eve when we will escape to a party and leave my folks and the kids (and my step-mom who is also coming over, don't worry, no drama there) to fend for themselves.  And then the weekend will wind down, my folks will go home, two of the three kids will go to their mom's house, and then we will be back to normal and I can have table space and mental space to sit down and start working towards Financial Peace.  Our class starts January 9 and I can't wait.

We've done pretty well this holiday season.  We gave the kids clothing and cash and we've been talking a lot about wasteful spending and they've done well.  They even donated to our efforts to help some friends adopt a little boy with down's syndrome from a formerly communist country (www.hopeforian.org).  We didn't do much in the way of gifts for each other since we just had our wedding two months ago.  DH did give me a couple of books and we gifted each other the Financial Peace Kit. I'm baking today to have something to take when we visit my Dad and his wife this afternoon.  We incurred no debt for Christmas and except for a vet emergency a few months ago have been faithful to our commitment to not use credit cards at all.  I know the next step is to actually close the accounts but I think we'll need some support from our FPU classmates to help us actually take that step.  Our baby emergency fund is funded though, maybe if we beef it up a bit it will feel safer. 

We turned off our fancy premium digital HD cable and returned the Comcast DVR.  We now only get their highest speed internet which comes with 23 basic cable channels.  We bought a ROKU box for $80 and we spend $12 per month on Netflix streaming and DVDs and $8 per month on HULU Plus so we can stream tons of internet video content to our TV. We also gave up our landline.  The only people who called us on it were pollsters and telemarketers anyway.  We took our $200 per month Comcast bill and now with Comcast and the streaming subscriptions we are right around $50 per month total.

I signed us up for e-mealz (http://www.e-mealz.com/, sign up based on your favorite grocery store and they give you a menu of dinners for the week and a shopping list based on that week's sale items) and shopped with it last week while planning meals for 7 people in the house.  We spent a total of just over $200 and the receipt showed a savings of $57.00 based on all the sale items. I'm very excited about continuing with that going forward. I made a roast in the crock pot yesterday that the kids actually LOVED.  We're eating at my Dad's tonight and I've got everything ready for Beef and Vegetable soup for tomorrow and then a hamburger dish Saturday  night (my folks have promised the kids take out pizza for new year's).  That is all a huge improvement over the OMG it's 6:15 and I have no idea what I'm feeding the family let's go out for Mexican moments we usually have all too often.  And since I'm getting the Publix Low-Fat menu on e-mealz AND cutting out the emergency Mexican food and emergency Chinese food and emergency Pizza it will be good for our bottom line AND our waist line!

Everyone in the house is still sleeping, the children somehow dodged cleaning the kitchen yesterday so I can't see the countertops, and I need to get on with the day.  I feel better after writing this though, thanks for being out there blogosphere!

Baby Steps

Photo by mistybliss

Baby steps.  Such a tried and true concept, so universally appealing and applicable to so many concepts. Long distance hiking. Taking control of your finances.  Paying off debt.  Working through the files on your desk after a few days off.  Tackling a complex legal motion or brief. Organizing exhibits for trial.  Cleaning the kitchen.  Teaching your children all the little things that you hope will make them happy and productive and capable of mature relationships someday. Getting out of your own way.  These can all be accomplished with baby steps.  

I'm feeling worn down a bit today.  It was a crazily intense holiday weekend with family in town and so much to be done around the house. It has been a nice Christmas, don't get me wrong.  There are some facets of this holiday that I'm very very happy with.  But at the moment I"m wishing I could make a big sweeping motion to clear all the details out of the way.  I'm drowning in little notes to myself, envelopes that need to be opened and attended to.  Clients and children and parents and pets and friends that keep needing things.  And I love them all (well, not ALL of my clients) and I want to do right by everyone but I feel like all the baby steps in the world aren't quite enough to accomplish it all.

But who is setting that standard? Oh......I am.  I'm cornered by complexities. If I can focus, and discipline myself to tame them a bit, I know that it will FREE me. No, it will free US.  Because I am an US.  I am blessed with a husband who is willing to walk and stumble and run and fall and leap with me.  If we can tackle the stack of scary envelopes and obligations and grocery store ads etc. and turn them into a written budget with a debt snowball I KNOW that by reducing the scary complexity to a simple system that we control will equal FREEDOM from worrying that there is something I'm missing, something I forgot, something I am failing at so quietly I forgot to notice, or chose not to notice. 

I need a dayhike, at least a dayhike. We need the promise of a night in the woods before another entire season passes, even if it's cold.   We need to breath easy for a day with nothing more pressing on our minds but the next mile on the trail and the next water source to think about.  At least for a couple of hours.  It's a reset button, not a baby step but a massive sweeping wind that clears out the debris that isn't worth tripping over.  And then, the path will be ready  for our naked little baby feet all over again. 

Driving to the trailhead

Original Image from HERE

So, I'm almost done with Financial Peace, the book.  Last year we started to get off the ground with this but got complacent again when I started making more money and we had a few months where things were relatively easy. I've read tons of articles, forums, blogs, and listened to the radio show.  I am looking forward to taking the actual classes beginning next month.  The material is taught via video but then there are small group exercises and support and THAT is what really appeals to me.  I can rationalize my way right into trouble every time if I don't have actually live physical people challenging my thinking.  

So, I am being mindful and preparing myself for the new year, understanding that some of the lunches and dinners and things we are doing for the season will be a thing of the past once we get intense about the budget.  I can imagine it, but not really understand yet what that will feel like. But I think the key will be to focus on each step, on each micro decision of the day.  Pack a sandwich, don't go to a restaurant.  Put on a sweater, don't turn up the heat.  Drink water for free instead of soda which costs money AND health.  It's those little steps that make up every long journey......this is just one long trail on the way to another right?

The beginning

This blog will be focused on two goals, a relatively short term goal of living debt free and a long term goal (at least a decade away) of thru hiking the Appalachian Trail. I discovered the magic of backpacking thanks to my new husband (I just remarried) over a year ago and I'm hooked. We did two nights on the AT last Spring with family and friends and we've done some other trips, just the two of us. I'm hoping to spend at least a week on a trail sometime over the next year to continue testing the edges of my envelope. We were blessed with lots of REI gift cards at our wedding and I have the gear and the will but not the time or money. That's where the short(er) term goal of living debt free comes in.

It may seem strange to imagine how they are related but they are inexorably intertwined. At the moment, we have too much debt. We make good money and are gradually paying it down but we are not focused enough. We both carry weight from our previous marriages and we've added to it since we met. Both of our incomes are variable which makes it tougher to plan but we have to get focused NOW. Because, continuing as we are, treading water only, will keep our long term goal a distant dream forever. Obviously there is planning involved in taking 6 months off from your regular life and disappearing into the woods. There is simply no way we could carry our current debt load from the trail, and if we sit and just see how things play out we will always have a debt load.

So I'm keeping this blog to help me be accountable and to track our progress. I'm ready to unload the creditors, and free my back to carry only what I need. Food,shelter, my relationships with the people who matter. I am reading Financial Peace by Dave Ramsey, we will be starting FPU next month. I think it will take us a few years to get out from under the debt including my student loans and possibly even the house but then we can spend the balance of the next decade saving and planning and will be FREE to hit the trail when our youngest turns 20.

Here's to hiking your own hike, in all things.