The ball(s) that rolled into the corner...

It's April and it's been hard for me to blog because I haven't got success to report with regard to our budget and I hate acknowledging that publicly. But, I chose to create a public forum for our efforts specifically to make myself accountable, for failures and successes.  So I am publicly acknowledging that we have not kept all our balls in the air over the last couple of months, the Dave Ramsey ball definitely hit the floor awhile ago and I think is probably gathering dust in a corner. 

We started strong in February but I'd say probably by about 3 weeks into the month we'd both fallen out of our envelopes and not kept good track of things.  There just seemed to be so many things that we hadn't thought about that came up and didn't fit into the budget. 

We had our honeymoon in March, it was planned  months ago (by Dave, I only found out the details a week or so prior) and we did relatively well with our budget there (almost all cash we had saved ahead of time) but because of that trip and because we felt confused about the February budget we decided to start fresh in April.

It's now April 7 and we still haven't had our budget meeting.  We kept meaning to over the weekend but it got away from us till we were both tired and cranky and felt like it would be ill advised to start the process in that frame of mind.  Now it feels even more overwhelming because we need to account for the first week of stuff already spent.  

I'm extremely busy with work but it's not like that is likely to change. And I've got family crisis stuff going on with my mom, not to mention the ongoing demands of our blended household with three kids, two active careers, extracurricular activities and dogs.  This isn't the only ball I can't seem to keep in the air. Mealtimes feel like a disaster most times around here (I rarely manage a home cooked meal where we all sit around the table more than twice a month, if that), and there are always needs I feel we didn't anticipate.It doesn't help that we've got two teenagers in the house and one pre-teen who can be very sensitive and both Dave and I often feel gravely concerned about the lack of gratitude we get for the things we do manage to provide and to do for the kids and for the household.  We challenge them on it, guide their behavior in a different direction and try and understand that their self absorption is developmentally appropriate and not personal but it is still incredibly draining to not feel appreciated by the kids.

The situation with my mom is dire and pressing and is requiring regular, sometimes last minute trips for me out of state, lots of time on the phone and email with family and 4-8 phone calls a day with my mom herself trying to talk her through her fear and confusion when she has no one else with her. The dementia has progressed dramatically in the last few months.  I feel very strongly that it is time to move her to assisted living now.  She should  not be alone anymore at all.  My step dad still works full time and has no plans to retire for another 4 to 5 years. Obviously this is very tough on him too, he is losing his wife of 25 years and I know the thought of moving her out of the house is killing him, not to mention the financial strain of that will be very real.  But he cannot care for her in a way that is good for either of them anymore and I'm 6 hours away and can't move up there or move her down here right now.  So, please pray for us.  I've organized a family conference call this afternoon with him and all the extended family as well as mom's therapist to try and outline a plan for her moving forward that is something other than what is happening now.  I am ready to make this happen for her now and it's hard for me sometimes to let go of my authoritative nature and facilitate other people's time lines but that is what I must do, while advocating for mom in as genuine a way as possible. 

It goes without saying that all of this has left little time for other pursuits and I am feeling fat, out of shape and disconnected from the outdoors on top of it all.  UGhhh.

So, I know what I need to do, and I know that it is up to me to make it happen. I also know that failure in the moment doesn't mean failure forever and that I'm allowed to stumble and get back up. I just did not want to leave this forum empty.  I will keep the blog posted, hopefully with some sort of success story soon, no matter how small. 

Ground Zero: The budget meeting

January has roared past and through me, I find myself standing on the threshold of February feeling a bit breathless and weary.  I was so eager to get started with changing our financial future this month and it creeped past without as many significant changes as I wanted.  I'm trying to give myself space to not be perfect, to allow for the significant stressors that are wearing me down and to be ok with true baby steps, even a bit more baby than those laid out by Dave Ramsey!

We did cut back some of our household bills.  We did eliminate paying for school lunches for my son and for paying for after school care for him by adjusting our schedules. I do think we spent less on a lot of things, but we didn't keep track of it, we never had a written budget for the month and I still wasn't feeling any traction.

However, we just got to the cash flow planning lesson week before last, and the dumping debt lesson was this past weekend so I now feel re-energized about it.  So Dave and I finally had the dreaded first BUDGET MEETING of our married lives (or probably our entire lives!).  We were warned there would be some fighting, or at least a spat or two, but I really didn't expect that we really would.  I was wrong.  Nothing major, but there was some definite wrestling involved.

First we went through what we actually need to pay bills, and what we think we need for the variable categories like groceries.  Then, we finally listed and combined all of our debt and the minimum payments for all of that. And we ended up with a number that was significantly higher than what I know we make each month.  So we cut here, and there, and there again. And the number came down but was still scary.  And I'm scratching my head trying to figure out how we pull it off month after month because, at the moment anyway, we are not behind on anything.  Grace of God must have something to do with it.  Both of us have variable incomes, and in both cases they are VERY variable.  The number we need to just live and pay the minimums is doable some months but not realistic as an average. So, long story short, I'm feeling panicked and cornered instead of calmer now that we've done this.  Truth is, Dave has carried this primarily on his shoulders ever since we joined forces.  I was control central in my prior marriage and in my single life. Dave is the epitome of the provider and the protector, and when I got laid off and moved in with him he gallantly stepped up and took the reins from my all too willing hands.  And since then there have been conversations about money, but by and large he has shielded me from the overall picture and I've been quite happy to know that I was being shielded and to enjoy blissful ignorance.  He's done a great job of managing a very heavy burden, of keeping it from getting heavier despite us having a wedding, and of still allowing us to be a fun and active family unit.  I stand in awe of him at the moment.

But that moment must not stretch on too long. I need to stand by his side.  I need to dig deep, find courage, and focus my efforts on my income. We need to sell stuff, we need to pay off some of the smaller debts quickly and start throwing that money at the bigger debts. We need to pray and not lose hope.  And we need to find sustenance and peace in simplicity.

I'm so glad that over the weekend we managed to take a quick camping trip and we tackled a moderately sized mountain that we'd never climbed before (Pinnacle Knob, 3141 feet).  It was a very intense climb, but there was an amazing pay off.  And as I step back from the panic that is lapping at my toes I can close my eyes and remember the trail, and how I thought my heart would burst with the strain of trying to climb it fast, and how at each turn in the trail I thought I was at the top only to find the summit was still another climb away, and how when I did reach the summit I didn't even realize it at first because of the way the trail dipped through a thicket right before the view.  Yeah.  This will be like that.  I know what a tough climb feels like and I know that it's always worth it.

Working and Living

Image found here

Happy New Year! I feel so energized about 2011!!! Life is returning to normal after the holiday frenzy.  I have a ton of stuff happening at work (two emergency hearings in two days.... what?) but I feel ready for a busy and productive month. I want to generate more income moving forward.  I know that my attitude really influences my income, either way, up or down. Even working for myself I have found myself spiraling into negative cycles of thought about "having" to do this or that. When you "have" to do something, as opposed to "want" to do something the seeds of resistance gain a little ground.

What if I consciously reject that concept?  What if I embrace the idea of working because I enjoy it? Because it fulfills me? Because I'm blessed to have skills that can drastically impact and assist people with real needs? I do feel all those emotions about my work too, they are no less real than my resentments about "having" to do things.

I've lived in a mindset of "work" being separate from "life" for so long that I can resent work simply because it's not life.  But if I'm pursuing my passion, and I believe I am, and if I'm blessed to have a profession that challenges me and can fulfill me and not just a job, then why are work and life divorced from each other? I think the secret to greater income for me is understanding that my work can be an integrated part of my physical, spiritual and mental life.  The two do not have to be apart.  I'm not suggesting that work/life balance isn't important, but two people on a see saw have a whole lot more fun when they work together than when they are continually trying to jump off and leave the other side flat on the ground.  So here's to living AND working and to empowering myself in all areas of my life with the trust that good things will flow from it!